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Hasbro: "We Know Where You Live"


Pawtrucket, RI--In a move one executive described as “sure, why not?”, brand-purchasing megabrand Hasbro sent paramilitary organization Black Dogg Ops to the home of Timothy Wilson of Hartford, Wisconsin. Wilson, 11, had recently debuted art of something called a “Fire Wizard” on his YouTube channel “Timmie Darkspell.” The Fire Wizard is an unannounced archetype planned for Hasbro’s upcoming book Steve’s Pile of Stuff™.


“So, basically, a fire wizard is a wizard who burns stuff,” said Wilson, coughing up a molar. “His spells go, like, fwoosh and boom.”


A Wizards of the Coast representative explained that this proprietary wording alerted them to the leak, describing it as “cribbed from our top designers.”


“Our position is to express outrage that Wilson’s parents allowed an 11-year-old to become embroiled in corporate espionage,” he added.


The mercenary group secured entrance to the Wilson household at 4:00 AM on April 24 after twelve hours of tense reconnaissance.


“You can’t be too careful with these people,” stated one officer known by the moniker “Spike,” whose resume includes guarding Ivory Coast diamond mines and bounty hunting in Albuquerque.


The use of a battering ram initially panicked Timmie’s mother, Sarah Wilson (37). However, a Wizards of the Coast representative assured her that her son would only be subjected to an “authorized” amount of force. She was later overheard saying “tase him once for me” when she discovered the magnitude of his actions.


Timmy released a tearful apology on his YouTube channel the next day.


“I regret my actions victimizing Hasbro and, um, encourage all of my followers to purchase all Wizards of the Coast-sanctioned releases into…Mom, what’s perpetuity?”


Wizards of the Coast shareholders declined to comment. One was quoted as saying, “oh, no, you nerds aren’t getting me this time. Go back to your cat videos and your hobbit nudies.”


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